The Ultimate Guide to Self-Understanding

Hello! This is going to be the first of multiple articles on self-understanding. Today I will give an overview of what it means to develop self-understanding and why it’s important. In future parts we’ll dive deeper into specific areas of self-understanding.

How much do you know about yourself?

We often take it for granted that we know ourselves inside and out. This inclination is quite understandable. After all, we’ve lived in our own skin for our entire existence, intimately acquainted with our inner thoughts and the world around us. Over time, we’ve constructed a mental portrait woven from a complex tapestry of beliefs that shape our self-image and influence our interactions with the external world. The challenge, however, lies in the fact that much of this process of self-creation occurs on a subconscious level. We haven’t necessarily consciously chosen to become the individuals we perceive ourselves to be, and because of this lack of self-awareness, many of our beliefs about ourselves may be distorted or even entirely erroneous. The person we assume ourselves to be is often more of a shadow cast by various external influences than a true reflection of our innermost selves.

That being said, nobody is completely in the dark about who they are. As we age and accumulate experiences, we build a greater sense of certainty about the the world and our place within it. With wisdom comes an acceptance and embodiment of the natural traits we possess. Ironically, we may rediscover aspects of ourselves that were apparent in early-childhood, but were lost in throughout the years of cultural conditioning. While some individuals manage to preserve more of their childhood essence than others, over the years almost all of us become products of our culture to some extent.

I want to challenge the notion that you possess a complete understanding of who you are and begin to open up the possibility of further inner-exploration. There’s a lot to be gained from developing a better understanding of yourself. This is something I have been actively working on for years, and personally, I believe this is one of the most important areas of self-development you can undertake for building a more fulfilling life. Unfortunately, this type of inner work is something that many people don’t seem to consider worth their time. Why? Because we are never taught about the value of self-discovery as a serious endeavour. We are programmed with a vast array of outward motivations and told these are the point of life while given almost no instruction on getting to know the person at the core of it all.

Consider where most people’s attention is directed. Goals, actions, and rewards. Lives occupied by the pursuit of things: material objects, success, recognition, travel, food, drugs, friendships, relationships, love, entertainment, health, a home, a sense of belonging, helping others, a reduction of suffering, a peak experience, a spiritual connection, and the list goes on.

While the pursuit of goals and the quest for progress are intrinsic to our human nature, and I’m all for the development of a unique sense of purpose and meaning, it’s equally crucial to acknowledge the disproportionate emphasis placed on constantly reaching for the next objective. This relentless pursuit often leaves little room for introspection, leading to a lack of attention toward understanding our true selves and discerning what we genuinely desire.

Think about it, how often do you sit down in a room alone and actively contemplate who you are as a person, where you’re headed, and what you ultimately want out of life? If you are like most people — almost never. It takes time, discipline, and emotional effort to do this, and because there’s no one teaching you why or how, it makes sense that no one is doing it. Nevertheless, these are important questions to get a firm grasp on before you start wildly making waves in your life. How can you possibly know if your headed in right direction if you haven’t spent time thinking about who you are and where you want to be. Answering these questions for yourself is fundamental. In a healthy society, this would be one of the main focuses of our attention throughout childhood, but of course, there are many aspects of our modern life that are not as advanced as we like to believe.

The influence of culture

What does a good life look like to you?

You might initially assume that the answer to this question is universally obvious, similar for most people. However, it’s essential to remember that throughout your entire life, your environment has been molding you with values that are, in reality, quite arbitrary when it comes to your unique self. These values likely don’t authentically reflect who you are. Our understanding of what constitutes a good life is often shaped by the prevailing norms and culture of the time and place in which we were born.

In contemporary Western culture, there’s a pervasive belief that we have the freedom to pursue our desires and become whomever we choose. While this holds true to a certain extent, as we now enjoy more autonomy than any other point in history, it’s essential to acknowledge the numerous assumptions and worldviews imposed upon us by our culture. These societal expectations vary from one country to another, but in many Westernized nations, some of the most common assumptions include:

• The primary aim of life is the accumulation of material wealth and personal achievements.
• Greater outward success equates to increased happiness.
• Being famous is a highly positive and enviable position.
• Working hard for the general benefit of society (and more importantly the economy) is the requirement of a good citizen. There’s no need to question the purpose or the effects of your job, or the impact it’s having on your personal life, it just needs to produce wealth.
• It’s expected to be outspoken, confident, and assertive.
• You should live up to expectations as portrayed in the media. These creep into all areas of life and basically influence how you act, how you present yourself, what you buy or don’t buy, and what you value in other people.
• The most meaningful moments in life are gratifying peak experiences.
• You should be patriotic towards your country.
• You should care about the pop-culture specific to your country: sports, entertainment, celebrity, political debates, news, etc.
• Romantic love and relationships are vital for a happy life.
• You should respect all customs. Even if they are unethical or they go against your personal values.
• The holidays and festivals in your country are important. They should be valued and celebrated (which usually takes the form of buying things…suspicious)
• Spirituality = religion. Everyone else = atheist/agnostic. These are the only options.
• The world is viewed primarily as a material realm, and our existence is framed in terms of material pursuits.

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how your culture imprints you with worldviews. Each country and culture around the world is going to be different and I'd recommend you spend some time thinking about the ways your culture has influenced you personally, including, but not limited to, the examples provided above.

Personally, from a young age I was very much aware of the artificiality of cultural norms, and have basically been rebelling against many of them for most of my life. Living abroad for years has also given me a lot of perspective when it comes to what is considered culturally important in differing countries.

As humans we have a tendency to appeal to authority in order to build a sense of identity. We outsource much of our own lives to our culture because, quite simply, this is what helps us to survive in the environment we were born into. The truth is that as individuals, most of us are helpless and scared. We find strength and security through our communities and this is the fundamental motivation behind a lot of our actions. Today, this appeal to authority frequently manifests through the adoption of worldviews promoted by government entities, the media, and scientific institutions. In the past, religious organizations played a more substantial role in shaping our identities.

To imagine ourselves as isolated islands untouched by the cultural currents of our environment is unrealistic. Our understanding of what constitutes a good life is profoundly shaped by these external influences. Recognizing this point is pivotal as you embark on the journey of self-exploration and seek to uncover your genuine motivations.

We’re more different than you realise

It’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming that everyone operates on a mental framework similar to our own, especially when we’re young and have limited life experiences. We may erroneously believe that others think and behave as we do, leading to confusion when people act in ways we don’t anticipate or understand. In truth, each individual is remarkably distinct, both in terms of inherent traits and the mindset shaped by a lifetime of experiences.

While there can be similarities, particularly within families and local communities where shared experiences and values are prevalent, we often underestimate the vast differences that exist among people, even among those closest to us

It’s important to understand that these are not just small differences of opinion — like preferring your eggs scrambled to fried — these differences create the lens through with each of us see the world. Our life experiences are literally coloured by them. Consider two friends watching the same movie; they can have entirely contrasting reactions based on their unique perspectives. A day trip to the zoo might be either enjoyable or horrifying, depending on one person’s deep fascination with animals and another’s intense fear of snakes. A significant life decision, such as choosing a career path, might appear straightforward and practical to one individual while initiating a soul-searching journey for another.

Now, consider this idea and apply it to yourself. You are entirely distinct from those around you, making it a significant mistake to overly depend on other people’s judgments about who you are and what constitutes a good life. While well-intentioned, the advice others offer might not be suitable for you, as what works for them may not work for you. It’s essential to remember that these individuals, whose opinions carry such weight, have likely been shaped by the same cultural values as you, values that could fundamentally clash with your own personality.

This principle extends to your strengths and weaknesses, attractions and aversions, motivations and areas of tedium. Striving to meet the expectations of your parents, friends, or society could be akin to a land animal attempting to live in the ocean — it’s just not what it was evolved to do. And there’s a good chance you’re not designed to take on the role of a sea creature either.

Your approach to life will change

Many individuals rush into crafting a life without truly understanding who they are, only to find themselves trapped within a labyrinth of their own making, feeling stuck and discontented.

The sooner you figure out who you are, the sooner you can embark on your life’s journey with the confidence that you’re heading in a direction that aligns with your authentic self. Ideally, you’d want the compounding effect of self-understanding to begin as early as possible in life, providing you with a significant advantage over those who haven’t yet explored this aspect of themselves. By investing time in self-discovery now, you’re laying the foundation for the greatest potential for life satisfaction in the future.

Self-understanding is a profound, long-term journey that delves far beyond the surface level briefly covered in this introduction. It will take a lifetime to fully figure out what you’re all about, and that’s being optimistic! Be prepared for a continuous process of learning and growth over the next several decades, at the very least. The effort you invest now will contribute to a better understanding of what suits you best in your current stage of development. However, it’s essential to remain aware of the internal changes that naturally occur over the years and be ready to adapt accordingly.

Learning about yourself and unapologetically living from this place can bring about significant improvements in your life. Here are some ways your life may be enhanced through higher levels of self-understanding:

• Increased Motivation: Knowing who you are and what you truly desire in life can boost your motivation to take action on your plans.
• Reduced Confusion: Self-understanding clears away confusion, aiding in making challenging decisions with greater clarity.
• Improved Mental Health: The potential for mental health conditions can arise from not living congruently with who you are. There’s a sense of falseness which accompanies you daily; a nagging inner voice that attempts to sound the alarm on your deception. This constant unease can manifest in the form of depression and anxiety.
• Rediscovered Meaning: Self-understanding can help you define your own sense of meaning, rather than relying on superficial cultural definitions.
• Better Boundaries: Clarity about yourself empowers you to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your life. You can more easily cut out aspects of your life which aren’t well suited to who you are.
• More Authenticity: Honesty and authenticity will become more natural for you. Other people will notice and some will be drawn to you because of it. In turn, you’ll feel better about yourself. A positive cycle.
• Accelerated Growth: One of the fundamental aspects of self-development is being able to honestly reflect on who you are and make changes accordingly. Self-deception can hinder personal growth, while self-awareness enables you to identify and address issues more quickly.
• Improved Understanding of Others: As you better understand yourself, you’ll gain insights into others’ behaviours and motivations, enhancing your empathy, relationships and honing bullshit detector.
• Self-Acceptance: Self-understanding leads to self-acceptance, allowing you to embrace both your positive qualities and your flaws with a sense of humor and humility. This acceptance can be a profound source of self-love and personal growth. I personally believe it’s part of our life’s work to integrate aspects of the personality in a healthy way.

Where to begin?

This article was meant to be an introduction to self-understanding. In the future, I'm going to release more articles which delve into specific areas of self-understanding, with advice and techniques on how to discover more about yourself.

For now, let me leave you with some immediate steps you can take to begin learning more about yourself:

• The biggest challenge for most of us is the busyness of our lives, filled with obligations and distractions. We often don’t allocate enough time for solitude and self-reflection. While some may genuinely have limited time, many of us, if we’re truly honest with ourselves, can acknowledge that we do have moments to engage in this inner work. The primary reasons we often don’t prioritize it are twofold: firstly, we underestimate its importance, and secondly, there’s often a significant internal resistance to confronting ourselves. This resistance can stem from the awareness that there’s much to be uncovered, and it’s not always easy or pleasant. Our subconscious sometimes resists facing the potential consequences of these discoveries. Overcoming this resistance involves recognizing the vital significance of self-discovery, as I’ve attempted to convey in this article, and proceeding with it despite the inner challenges.
• Write down your discoveries and begin to amass a collection of insights about yourself. Personally, I tend to make notes on my phone or paper and then organise everything into a digital notetaking software. You can, of course, begin the process of self-discovery purely as a mental activity, but to be able to refer back to your realisations later is going to be important for long-term growth.
• Remove yourself from cultural noise. A discussed earlier, culture has literally been programming you since you were a child, and it still is today. The biggest source of this programming as a adult is going to be from the media you consume. The more you’re able to separate yourself from this contestant barrage of information with it’s subtle value judgements, the less fear you’ll feel about walking your own path. Removing yourself from the noise leaves room for true self-reflection and for an authenticity to emerge over time.

I hope I’ve managed to convince you of the importance of self-discovery. At the end of the day, no one else is going to do it for you. The responsibility of answering life’s biggest questions lies with you, and the process of answering them begins by turning inwards.

Follow along with my investigations!

Thanks for reading. My goal is to produce a collection of the best written content available on self-development, psychology, philosophy, and creativity. Much of what I’m working on revolves around the process of understanding ourselves as individuals, as human-beings, and as conscious entities in this strange universe we’ve found ourselves in. If you’re interested in following on on this journey with me, please don’t hesitate to subscribe the newsletter on my website and follow along with the work I'll be realising in the months and years to come. Articles like this one are only the tip of the iceberg. I'm excited to share even deeper posts with you in the future.

Ben Worrall

www.benworrall.com